Imminent Midnight Referendum In Edo State – By Austin Isikhuemen

Edo State
Edo State

Every Nigerian except infants is aware of the on-going primaries – attempted, illegal or scheduled – and gubernatorial elections scheduled to hold across the state on 19th September 2020.

It is getting exciting what with rooftop shouting, threats, lies, subterfuge, deceitful meandering and pandering as well as pompous speeches by over-rated players who do not even believe what they spew out daily.

Some parties with an dubious and unverifiable membership claims who are just in the game to get noticed hoping that crumbs would fall are also there adding comical interludes and stress relief. I just love politics nigeriana!

It does seem to me however, that the most challenging issue at the moment, that have raised temperatures, sent judges to covid19-barred courtrooms and threatens to torpedo some necks as well as INEC and making members of the same party more dangerous than the opposition is the vexed issue of godfatherism.

While this issue needs to be given all the attention it deserves to avoid a June 12 type sunset at dawn, some people take it as if godfatherism is the same as Area Fada-ism whose proponent is no other than the eminent jurist’s son that plays youth at 60 enriching jewelers by his adornment of on all parts of his body in contradistinction with body parts! I hope a golden calf or better still, golden kid (English for a little goat) seeing that our oriental brothers (not the musical group) are obsessed with what the Yorubas call ogufe!

Yours sincerely is a firm believer in the saying “when trees fall on tree you remove the topmost first”. It is this belief that motivates my ardent desire, call it obsession and you will not be far from being right, to see that the issue, the very potent threat, of godfatherism is addressed and resolved first so that we can have elections in peace.

I have a very innovative proposal based on time tested materials and methodology peculiar to the cultural milieu of the current political combatants in Edo State. Call it sorcery, voodooism or fetishology, all I know is that some of our people call it traditional African Religion and some bible and Koran reading believers would rather classify it as witchcraft and refer to the bishops in this ministry as witch doctors.

Well, my friend Gordons, the Comedy Bellisconi whose ministry is perpertually moving to, but never arriving at the permanent site, posits that craft is craft whether it is of the air type which I am used to or the witch type of which I have never bought a ticket!

My proposal is for the witches and wizards (not the computer variant) Edo all over Edo state to immediately summon the relevant politically exposed persons to a midnight coven convocation at the burnt Oba Market or the nearest tallest tree in that vicinity to fill a well-designed questionnaire using charcoal from the recent inferno.

The questionnaire would have questions such as these suggested by my humble self:
1. Do you have a godfather?
2. Have you ever benefitted from a godfather’s intervention?
3. Are you currently deploying resources to make you a life godfather in Edo State?
4. Have you ever accused godfathers of being inimical to progress?
5. Did you ever say your job description is the fighting and wiping out of godfathers from the face of the earth?
6. Were you ever found to curse godfathers in the day, surreptitiously dine with them in their homes at night and even belch afterwards?
7. Have you ever nursed plans to use godfatherism to continue to feather your nest while pretending otherwise in the public space?
8. Have you become a curse and destiny destroyer rather than a destiny helper to your supposed godson?
9. Can you swear with the name of Beelzebub that your grouse with your estranged godson has no pecuniary connotations but is in the interest of the masses and the downtrodden of Edo State?
10. Have you done as much for Edo people as Jagaban has done for Lagosians to entitle you to the extant self-jagabanising manouevres.
11. Would you have taken this medicine you are administering to your godson from your mustachioed predecessor from Okada?
12. Is it the association with your predecessor’s village that made you ban okodas in Edo State?

Anyone who lies in the filling of this questionnaire should immediately become symptomatic for covid19 and expire before the next elections EXCEPT HE CONFESSES AND FORSAKES his fiendish godfatherly shenanigans to a special village square meeting at Oba Ovonramen Square otherwise called Ring Road. Thereafter, he shall be exorcised of godfatherism by a former Chairman of a political party who lives by a golf course.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. If anyone classifies it as fact, faction (a blend of facts & fiction), or relates it to any being, tall or short, fine or ugly, living or dead, such a one does so at his own risk. The madman said this is where I set my fire but that one burning everywhere, leaving destruction in its wake, has nothing to do with me.

Written by Austin Isikhuemen on 24th June, 2020.

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